ILL HUMOR | BY IAN SHOALES from time to time I get the urge to dispense advice and answer your questions. This is one of those times. I can no longer ignore this unnatural craving. So let's dip into the virtual mailbag, shall we? Dear Ian: I just read where Bob Dornan lost his job. But when I turn on the teevee he's still there. What's up? — CONFUSED Dear CONFUSED: I think you may have mistaken former Congressman Bob "B-1 Bob" Dornan for Bob "No Known Nickname" Dorian, host on cable's American Movie Classics. While they are both media personalities, Bob Dornan is best known for calling his enemies radical leftist draft-dodging drug abusers. Bob Dorian has no enemies. But he's forgotten more about Joan Crawford movies than Bob Dornan will ever know. And you can take that to the bank. Dear Ian: Is the whole O.J. thing some kind of really long bizarre infomercial for Bruno Magli footwear? — REALLY CONFUSED Dear REALLY CONFUSED: No. This is about a man on trial for his life. Well, okay, it's about a man on trial for his bank account. What's left of it. It's a Cliff's Notes version for those who couldn't pay attention the first time around. And if O.J. can move a few Broncos along the way, hey, more power to him. Dear Ian: Are you as sick of "101 DALMATIANS" as I am? — SICK Dear SICK: Yes, but I wouldn't mind having sex with Cruella DeVil — the cartoon, mind you, not Glenn Close. I imagine having sex with Glenn Close would be a life-altering experience, and I don't mean that in a good way. Sex with a cartoon character, on the other hand, is just good harmless fun, unless it's with Bambi or one of those gargoyles from "Hunchback of Notre Dame." That would be just weird. Hope I've helped out. Dear Ian: Hey, what's up with the Titanic? We've got made-for-tv movies, new nonfiction, a novel by Beryl Bainbridge, and even plans for a Broadway musical. — VERY CONFUSED Dear VERY CONFUSED: I'm with you, Very. It won't be the sinking's centennial yet until 2012, and we're already inundated with Titanic hoo-ha. Still, ever since the big boat hit that chunk of ice, we've been fascinated by the story. I guess it's like rubbernecking at the world's biggest accident. I don't get the attraction, but if it turns into a Vegas floor show, I may have to check it out. Dear Ian: So, are there alien bodies on ice at Area 51 or what? — SICK AND CONFUSED Dear SICK AND CONFUSED: No. Elvis and Jim Morrison are dead. President Kennedy was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone. Regarding Whitewater, President Clinton is innocent of any wrongdoing. Get over it. Dear Ian: I just read that a Scientologist lawyer has purchased the Cult Awareness Network. This was once a hotline for parents worried that their children had fallen under the sway of mysterious religious groups. What will happen to CAN now? — EVEN MORE SICK AND CONFUSED Dear EVEN MORE SICK AND CONFUSED: Hey, I'm not going to say anything bad about Scientologists. They own half of Los Angeles and have every other lawyer in the country on their payroll. I just wish I could have been around when L. Ron Hubbard was at the height of his powers — chasing naked starlets down the streets of Pasadena, yachting with Errol Flynn, turning bad science fiction into half-baked doctrine. Dear Ian: Hey big guy! Despite threats from China, the Walt Disney Company is going forward with its plans to produce a Martin Scorsese biopic about the Dalai Lama. Is this good news? — FEARFUL Dear FEARFUL: It depends. There's the Martin Scorsese of "Mean Streets" and then there's the Martin Scorsese of "Cape Fear." Is he going to star Willem Dafoe as the Dalai Lama? Disney could be asking for trouble. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind seeing a face-off between China and Disney. Those old commies won't stand a chance. The lingering ghost of Chairman Mao will vanish like smoke the first time Chairman Mouse lifts a finger. So, yes, it's probably good news. Tibet's independence will be restored, the Dalai Lama will return home, "101 Dalmatians" will run forever in multiplexes throughout Asia, and Scorsese's movie will stiff big-time. And never call me "Big Guy" again. Okay? 'Nuff said. Dear Ian: Okay, so Texaco did an audio enhancement of the taped meeting wherein an executive supposedly used the "n" word. According to the enhanced audio, the executive was actually referring to St. Nicholas. What's this all about? — MORE SICK AND CONFUSED THAN ALL THE REST PUT TOGETHER Dear MORE: Beats me. I'm just glad as hell I don't work in the corporate world any more. The executives in question apparently have already been through diversity training (now there will be even more diversity training, providing much employment for minorities). Pretty soon, the free marketplace will be so darn diverse there will be equal opportunities for everybody. Hooray! I predict that nobody will make any money in the near future, though, except cartoon figures and lawyers. Thanks for asking!