Beatings, eatings and other ass-candy

A VISIT TO A HETERO SEX CLUB REVEALS THAT EVERY NIGHT IS LADIES' NIGHT.

At the behest of its elected despot, Rudy Giuliani, New York City is experiencing a serious sexual cleansing. From sex shops and porn theaters to strip clubs and adult bookstores, red-light venues are closing daily, creating a sex-free Big Apple. I figure it's only a matter of time before this trend sweeps westward, so when my friend Jonathan said he was going to a sex club, I felt it was my civic duty to tag along.

"Really?" he said incredulously, then shrugged his shoulders. "Well, great. But you can't go upstairs, where I'm going. Women aren't allowed."

That was fine, I assured him. Although the upstairs did sound rather intriguing -- with its little tents and mattresses and clean sheets just like a giant Boy Scout sleepover -- I had little interest in scoping out a gay sex scene. Downstairs was the straight sex club, which he informed me, rather apocryphally, was the "only legal straight sex club in California." Naturally, I should attend.

We met outside on a recent cold, foggy Saturday night. It was midnight, and already I was starting to feel sleepy. "How long are you going to stay?" I asked, following him inside a narrow foyer decorated with little fluorescent stars and planets. "Are you sure I don't pay anything?"

"Not a red cent," he said. He pointed to the sign, which said that it was free for women and transgender, 20 bucks for men and half that if they came with a woman. "How come women don't have to pay?" I asked.

"Oh, you'll see," he said cheerfully. "I'm going upstairs. I'll meet you in the snack bar in oh, an hour? Have fun." And with that, he floated off into the night.

Great, I thought. Now that I was here, on my own, I wondered what in the hell I'd been thinking. I felt like Nancy Drew, stumbling into some dark alleyway -- "The Case of the Missing Jism." I read some of the posted rules: No Fucking Without a Condom. No Drugs. No Propositioning for Drugs or Sex. This all sounded reasonable, and the man at the counter in a tight leather vest smiled at me encouragingly. I tried to arrange my face in what I hoped would read "open-minded," and ventured downstairs in the black lights to the basement.

N E X T+P A G E +| G-strings and S/M