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Nothing Personal

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Something blue
Tommy and Pammy to retie knot, drop pants; the Royal Philharmonic does R.E.M.; Gore scandal a snooze. (10/06/99)

Mystery of the tingling nether regions
The secret to happy gonads: Bonding! Tyson: Lend me your ear, Evander; Jesse's sage advice for Ahnuld. Plus: Cybill Shepherd -- Elvis saw me starkers so vote for me.

The dung show
Psychotic reactions to elephant dung; Jesse Ventura ups the ante; Mormon TV snips the naughty bits. Plus, Susan Lucci gets her gun.

Cross my pecs
Minnesota governor yearns for a simpler life ... as an undergarment. Plus! Real life starlet tarnishes wholesome cartoon image! And, envelope please, the governorship goes to ...

Meathead would be proud
The celeb-filled ceremony for recipients of the National Medal of Arts and the National Humanities Medal recalls the old Studio 54.

What a waste it is to lose one's laughingstock
Danny drops out; Shaq backs Gore; Bauer doth protest too much. Plus! More on Diana Ross' breastly behavior!

The POTUS who loved me
Kennedy squeeze smeared; Ryder Cup bounces Barbara Bush; Melissa Joan Hart bounces bouncer back! Plus: Stephen King on minivan abuse; Sharon Stone on Ellen DeGeneres ... literally.

Touch me in the morning ... just not there
Diana Ross gets frisky, a strapless dress is risky, and while Kevin shakes the Bacon, the Reform Party's achin'.

OK Guccione, now you've got Thelma mad
Penthouse exposes Geena -- ungraciously; Douglas marrying Zeta-Jones? Just as soon as he becomes a Muslim; Diana Ross said togrope groping guard; Stephanopoulos just says no to White House intern.

The final word on Gere and the gerbil
The truth about "that rodent"; why Sharon Stone won't do snorkel scenes; Nader endorsing Buchanan? Young Brits blow away the competition in the nookie sweepstakes.

The hooker under Lenny Kravitz's bed
A tale from beneath the mattress; Andreessen's dogs' wonder diet; the struggles of Ivanka Trump. Plus: Platform shoes kill!!

Faster, pussycat ... save me the aisle seat?
Meyer and Ebert agree on the big, bouncy issues. Beatty clues in, moves on, drops out. Also: Can it be true? Howard laments dearth of lesbians!

Extra! Extra! Monica inhales ... a candy bar
Scottish paper reveals what Lewinsky's swallowing these days; hey! the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines is swallowing the same thing! Plus: Yeoww! Universal Studios cuts Costner's penis.

What makes the Donald run?
Get ready for Teamster Nation! George W. and Marcus Aurelius ... not the same guy. Also, Mrs. Jagger balks at progeny's lips.

I want tuna! I want liver! I want cash prizes!
Pets sing songs, McCain writes book, Hillary dances around surgery question ... Everybody's an artist!

This is Sly's mom on crack
Also, Tarzan is from Mars, Jane has a show on E! What's air traffic control got to do with it, got to do with it? Welcome to Washington -- what are you wearing?

More Di of boredom
This just in! Di was way moody! Also, Tori Amos has friends in dark places; Bono burdens child with slew of names; Cybill Shepherd eyes White House -- likes what she sees.

Boobs out of hell
Meat Loaf stacked, Dan Quayle whacked, Ricky Martin mocked -- it's just "la vida" as usual.

Cuddles in the City
Parker's character says "pussy"; Sobieski's breasts say "hi!"; and the Lord says ... "Let there be pecs!"

Ling's Immaculate Contraception?
Lucy Liu visited by the horny spirit; John Malkovich on being John Malkovich in "Being John Malkovich"; Pat Buchanan's Web master does a really, really good job!

"Harder, faster!"
Three Tommys for every Pam! Pamela's placenta swims with the fishes; Love Hewitt joins breast-boasting brigade; "World's Most Exciting Animal" defended by world's least exciting animal. Plus! Good news: Jesus returns ... as clay!

Beating around a Bush
Forbes snaps up rights to Jeb Bush/Steve Forbes domain-name combos; John McCain on Alzheimer's -- so funny you'll forget to laugh; Kevin Spacey won't invite public on "own personal journey"; Lewinsky opens wide for Marie Claire.

Dr. Laura: 20th century fraud?
Greatest phonies of last hundred years; Newt no candidate for sainthood; Lucianne Goldberg likens Starr to a lounging lizard.

Simmons: No comment, sort ofl
Exercise guru absolutely won't discuss his personal life -- unless you insist; Tammy and. Jim's boy going Goth? India's giant sucking sound: Official blows it with Lewinsky remark. Plus: Kids would rather chill with an aardvark than with Clinton.

Is Captain RibMan dodging the coke question?
Suzanne Somers gets cartooned online; "Hard science" reveals missing link between Stephen Hawking and a whoopee cushion. Plus: Brad Pitt's deep thoughts on rape.

Sam Houston, we have a problem
Here we go again: NewsMax.com claims prez used the thinking man's Dristan; is Rowdy Rodham Clinton ready for the ring? Plus: Exclusive! Salon correspondent Tapper denies he's a Mossad agent.

The art of crime
Galleries making a killing any way they can; Unabomber's new editor ethically impaired? Sporty Spice declares herself the Antichrist. Plus: New Dubya scandal! He once got his kicks from a "roaring afterburner." Yeow!

Bush up to his arse in allegations!
Sharp-toothed e-mail, killer bees and bags of worms. Will this hound hunt?

A vast left-wing conspiracy?
Will Dubya get ground up in the rumor mill? A "clumsy" remark by a senator may have given birth to a brand-new bouncing baby rumor.

Going gets strange, strange get going
Hottest sideshow on earth packing it in; one Fat Lady eulogized eggsactly the way she would have liked; is that a gun in your paw or the new NRA-sponsored Milkbone?

Everybody wants a piece of "The Body"
Nevada brothel to commemorate governor's visit; Brooke Shields' biological clock's a-rockin'; Stiller and Garofalo didn't do it -- really. Plus: Exciting results of Gore vs. Bradley cockroach race.

Of plummeting pants and racing roaches
Charlize Theron: "I drop trou all the time ..."; a couple of cockroaches named Gore and Bradley; Hef sez: Thumbs down on Nick Cage. Plus: Newt spares no expense on his horn-blowin' honey.

Gulp! Deep Throat disclosure hard to swallow
Limelight-lovin' 19-year-old uses anagrams to "unmask" mysterious Watergate source; Marilyn Quayle disses Dubya. Plus: Busted! "Dick" star's fans defend breast boasting.

In the eye of the Newt storm: Thar she blows!
Gingrich affair heating up D.C. Exactly when did it begin? Somebody say "blackmail"? Finally, some good news: Cher definitely not involved; and more good news: Experts say Prince Philip is not an idiot!

Sizing up "Tattoo's" lost years
Late "Fantasy Island" actor focus of tell-all profile; mama of Jagger's new nipper ignites flag furor in Brazil. Plus: Michelle Williams afflicted with new virus that causes celebrities to publicly praise their own breasts.

Sharon Stone tells all and then some
She's "very happy" with her breasts, not very happy with Steven Seagal; Pat Boone reveals his dark side; America wants to put Ryan Phillippe in tights. Plus: Sprockets!

Aargh! Online celebrity surgery!
Maybe they're right about regulating the Internet: Carnie Wilson goes live with her gastric bypass; Claire Danes, urine the movies now. Plus: Look out, Hillary, look out, Rudy, here comes Grandpa Munster!

If this boat's a-rockin'...
Jerry Hall and Paul Allen makin' waves in French waters? Oasis members get good and gobsmacked. The cut-ups at the K.C. Star take clowning too far. Plus: Money talks, "Bulworth" walks, Beatty for prez!

Dennis Rodman, auteur
Ex-hoops star revealed to be creative visionary; Hugh Grant on scintillating secrets of celebrity nostril evacuation. Plus: We bid adieu to Tish, a great and noble fish, though a wee bit moody on occasion.

Camilla to Charles: "Oh, behave!"
The prince and Parker Bowles will, ahem, "vacation" together; John Wayne Bobbitt loses it -- again! Plus: Did Robin Hood and King Edward II have a thang goin' on?

Mary Poppins Spice?
Sadistic Geri Halliwell threatens world with "nanny" role; researchers find CK cologne more romantic than rat droppings. Plus: Robin Leach's lifestyles of the naked and chocolate-covered.

Hyperbole is hell
Talkin' trash about Talk; Chris Rock & Tyson cry the blues in the bosom of fame; did Bernstein's son cough up Deep Throat's identity? Plus: Gotti on Clinton.

Superhero too sexy for his tights!
Kapow! Schwing! Boy Wonder was busting out all over; Goldie Hawn sheds mental debris in small room; Brazilian star insures her caboose. Plus: Report warns of heavy snowfall on Dr. Laura's shoulders!

The high whine of top models
It ain't so pretty bein' beautiful; Cruise shows mom his Clockwork Orgy; key to men's minds: the Three Stooges. Plus: eBay says online hooking violates user agreement. (07/31/99)

Virginity: Going, going, gone!
Love for sale on eBay? Goliath's hormone problems; Posh Spice gobsmacked by goblet larceny. Plus: Dr. Bernard Lewinsky, father of the year.

Farrah's flip-out was mom's fault
Fawcett shirks blame for wacko Letterman turn (but still takes responsibility for '70s hairdo); Jesse Helms has a big, big, big vocabulary. Plus: Israel says Tarzan's loincloth's gotta go!

The google-eyed gourmet
Christopher Walken hot to cook and chug castor oil; Marilyn Chambers is back to her old tricks; Carrie Fisher on bonkin' Steve Martin. Plus: Mama Cass, Karen Carpenter and, uh, a brunch-related query.

Annie Rodham Hall?
Hillary's gonna have to make some hot 'n' heavy commodity trades to afford the Woodman's crib; Courtney Cox's glamour tips with matchsticks. Plus: bettin' the farm on a cleavage-enhancing bra!

Bill Bradley: Achingly funny and profound
Dish-lovin' gal stumped by stilted Stepford candidate. Plus: More proof there is no God: Survey shows the Donald nearly in a dead heat with Mini-Bush.

Jar Jar Binks to battle clap in D.C.
Rep. Coburn enlists "Phantom Menace" mob in STD wars; the queen's bowser was a boozer; 1,000-year-old king may be pushin' up pavement. Plus: New! Viagra for geraniums!

End of civilization imminent
Proof that there is no God: Springer may run for Senate; Mary Bono denies bonkin' The Newt. Plus: Mira Sorvino's summer of the flesh-tone panties.

Actress comes clean: Porn stardom a dirty rumor
Former Brady Buncher claims she's still alive; Groucho on abstinence; Marilyn Manson not a nerd. Plus: Madonna's peekaboo breast.

Darth disses "Phantom Menace"
Actor: "Episode I" is a bow-wow; Rene Russo's nudity approved by God. Plus: Britney Spears' mom: They're real, you ignorant goofballs!

Is Ricky Martin on the mommy track?
Singer says he wants grande family; Jerry Hall on the unfathomableness of love; this week's fun couple: Richard Simmons and Janet Reno. Plus: Rosie O'Donnell, editor in chief?

What is it about noses and nookie?
Leapin' lizards! Paula Jones' snoot doc has zipper problem; Newt set to bore nation to tears -- again; Helen Hunt afflicted with terrible head-swelling.

Courtney Love: Baby talk
Tells mag she likes "porno 44DD" girls, "and they have to be really aggressive."

Did Little John make Robin Hood's quiver shiver?
Professor says "merrie men" were making merry, but not making Maid Marian.

Tori: "Get ready, 'cause here I come!"
Spelling says next lover better prepare for a passionate workout; Elsie the Cow: those lips, those eyes; Murdoch barred from his own office; woman battles sexism by donning pork chops. Plus: Check it out, Janet Reno mistaken for grocery clerk!

Faux hooters help save cojones
Robbie Williams makes a boob of himself to save your balls; doomsday cult takes a hike, vaporizes; Kubrick wanted Steve Martin instead of Cruise. Plus: Have they no shame? Sophia Loren in bed, in public, with Mohamed Al Fayed.

New, improved and ever-so-polite
Nothing Personal starts minding its manners; Greg Brady's platinum record aspirations; the toilet seat that lowers itself. Plus: Brad Pitt says, "What, me worry?"

Gates the Elder forced to change name
Hey, Pops! Who do you want to be today? Clampetts about to morph into the Corleones: Beverly Hillbillies casino on the way; Prince Charles gets flashed by British bad girl. Plus: Latest from the Cherry Pit Spitting Championship.

Real-life fembots!
New GPS-equipped bra enables authorities to locate your breasts; Brit bookies say Gore's gonna get it; Nicole Kidman: Call Pamela Anderson Lee; Lennon more popular than Jesus in new poll. Plus: Be very afraid -- Loni Anderson is back!

Panties fit for a princess
Now you can wear undies inspired by Di; speaking of which, Marv Albert's back; white-chick folkfest is not a white-chick folkfest; der party poopers at Deutsche Bank throw wet blanket on currency toss. Plus: Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno deemed strangely sexy.

Sick and slick
Haute couture hits hospitals; capitalism tribute: German wacko prepares to throw 100,000 marks off the Reichstag; veggies bitch about Sophia Loren's cooking; and (surprise, surprise) a recent poll reveals that Americans are nincompoops.

What the devil has gotten into Ms. Jones?
Paula's going back to court; Dan Quayle and Alice Cooper on reality's inequities; King of Pop flops into Munich orchestra pit; and FBI says Tim Leary sang.

Horsey? perhaps. Bloodsucker, no.
Mohamed Al Fayed tries to charm the royals; Yeow! that's gotta hurt: Clinton ranked less dateable than Rodman or the Donald. Plus: Knock it off, you two cut-ups! John Wayne Bobbit wants to date Lorena.

China's new weapon: Smart sperm
To be Chinese, microscopic and brilliant; Korbut's koach kops to knuckleheadedness; Justice in Utah sweepstakes: First prize? Dinner with the psycho who was birddoggin' ya.

Gobsmackedelic! Tony Blair accused of stealing goodness; Gobsmackeriffic! Scary Spice has gone spotty; Gobsmackapalooza! Be very afraid: Lucianne Goldberg now a dot-com.

Snoop's dazzling doggy dream
Actress reveals mystery of covert curves; Ken Starr sings Clinton's praises; fabulous new carbonated bra concept. Plus: Rod the Mod finds God.

Austin's secret mojo jelly
Actress reveals mystery of covert curves; Ken Starr sings Clinton's praises; fabulous new carbonated bra concept. Plus: Rod the Mod finds God.

Falwell: Lilith sucked face with she-demons
Falwell shifts focus from Tinky-Winky to the Beast; off with his head! Prince William gets digital makeover. Plus: This week's fun couple -- Evel Knievel and Chrissie Hynde.

Global gobsmacking
John Wayne Bobbitt writes a joke book, but isn't that redundant? Boo-hoo: No baby for the lady with the incubator cleavage; Cruise "absolutely whipped"; Tom Hanks will not take on "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

The bells of St. Pamela's chest
Anderson Lee claims her breasts were ringing; a fond farewell to Screaming Lord Sutch; U.K. theater chain balks at "shag." Plus: Spousal skivvy spray from Japan detects infidelity!

The nearly nekkid netrepreneur
Pasty, shameless CEO strips for commerce; discovering the king's banana; "Look out! He's got a fish!" Plus: Dual-noggined porker returns home craving alcohol.

No pierced nostril for Barbie
Vavavoomski doll keeps her tattoos, blows off nose ring; Sen. Inhofe's staff's got a woody for porn; tools of the sex trade tax deductible in New Zealand.

Attack of the giant Leach!
Ohmygawd! He's baaaack! Buffoonish Brit boor bathes bare babe in gooey chocolate; Steve Forbes hates money; Plus: Cardinal Sin says condoms are for animals -- Arf!

Newt won't doodle for charity
Gingrich digs a 'do with a "minty feeling"; moms dig Wiggles' butts; Lady Aitken wilts before the press; and Flynt crowns Stephanopoulos "Queen Bitch."

Hot fun down South
That sly dog! The Magnolia State's governor finally cops to a thing goin' on. Plus: Vladimir Lenin's lost head pops up; ex-Stones drummer now hawking tube steaks; and Mister Rogers soaks up fawning from a cardigan-clad pol.

Baring it all for the Bard
C'mon over, baby, whole lotta Shakespeare going on! Plus: The case of the exceedingly unpleasant cream puff; and Stone and DeGeneres slated to sing, "She's havin' my baby ..."

If this jet's a-rockin,' don't come a-knockin'
Like a virgin -- not! Branson makes the skies friendlier than ever; more than we wanted to know about Hendrix; and Alanis gets golden Frisbee award.

A dangerously curvy candidate
Former Miss Belgium set to bare all if elected; George Dubbya issues naked denial; and Britain's royals become the first family of multiculturalism.

The case of the roomy unmentionables
In Philadelphia, some shameless soul is ripping-off queen-size dainties. Plus: C'mon in! The world's largest pregnant woman now open for tours.

Jar Jar Binks blabs all
From bong sucking to puppet proctology, actor Ahmed Best reveals more than we care to know about life on the "Phantom Menace" set.

The breast years of our lives
Can the great media maw ever be weaned? Plus: Pat Robertson doing business with men in skirts!

Morning with the woodman, lunch with the cake cop
If Pat Buchanan gets his way, decorated desserts will be regulated by constitutional amendment. Plus: Tipper endorses Al!

Mr. Cher applicants, the line forms on the left
She ain't gettin' any, babe; Prince Philip bombs as stand-up; and tales of the well-endowed Wahlbergs.

Pres. Rodham? Pres. Rodham Clinton? Pres. Phantom Rodham?
Is Hillary ready to say "My turn"? Is Jar Jar an extraterrestrial Stepin Fetchit? Is Reagan soon to be a major license plate?

True tales of topless Sophie and the bird nest breasts
The Sun newspaper catches Rhys-Jones with her shirt off; his Nastiness goes after her Rodhamness.

The GOP's phantom menace
Sen. Bob Smith: The man makes who Jesse Helms look granola; "Star Wars" deprivation in Menomonie, Wis.; for the record: George W. Bush may have done drugs.

James policy wonka and the insensitive chocolate factory
Carville gaga over Barak; Rosalynn C. nuts over Nestles; Couric over the top in trench coat.

Herr hubby: shun housework, go to jail.
The free ride on the autobahn of marriage may soon come to a screeching halt for German men.

Son of gnome manufacturer chuffed to bits
Former prime minister finds long-lost brother; ex-Doobie Brother (no relation to the PM) now inhaling Republican politics.

Shagadelic, baby? Oh behave!
Austin Powers evades Singaporean censors; Jesse "the vice president" Ventura? Clinton's Pinocchio complex."

Burly bikers bellow "boo-hoo!"
Martian case tossed out of court; the Clintons clean up; and motor-boys dig "Shakespeare in Love."

Doling out Viagra won't fix this pickle
Bob not aroused over Liddy's run; Moore vs. Goldberg: bloodsport we can support.

The Gore campaign mailed an invitation to Chung last month, but Johnny sang, "Return to Sender."

Gingrich scornful of toothpick brandishing
The Newtmeister derides oral hygeine while Clinton practices safe sax.

Dan Quayle: Cyber guerrilla? White House Web site hacked by spelling bee flunk-outs; Beverly Hills votes for "gaudiness and cruelty" and Al Gore said to be Russian spy.

Mike the Headless Chicken more popular than Clinton
Prez loses American popularity contest; Mike the Headless Chicken gets his own holiday; Nicole makes contact from the afterlife.

Look out Limbaugh! Get this woman a radio talk show
Arizona state Rep. Barbara Blewster spews racist remarks; another nutty theory on who shot J.F.K.; Congress takes on soda pop.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Alan Greenspan
Jesse Jackson hits the bars; Jesse Ventura hits the Mall of America; Alan Greenspan hits the roof

Lawsuit time in Monicaland
Monica sued for causing injuries; it's hard being Hef; but really, really tough being Liam.

Jailtime for Bonzo
Cameron Reagan gets caged; B.A. stewardess gets naked; British women want smaller melons.

Sassy singing Serbs won't bare all
Group refuses Playboy assignment unless bombs stop; eau de wrestler coming your way; custom boots for the royal pooches.

Confessions of a cocktail party crasher con cojones
It's kind of like the Mafia: getting out's a little tougher than getting in.

Thief to Sonny: I got your flowers, babe
Where have all Sonny's flowers gone? Isikoff gloats; Dan Quayle: voice of reason.

Climbing to power on black trench coats
Buchanan, Quayle and other presidential candidates weigh in on Littleton; it's gotta be babies, not bunnies, for Hugh and Hurley.

Y2K x 2 = Jacko!
Michael brings in the millennium; Reese Witherspoon cries the blues; Madonna's new look.

Massive Monica meltdown
Terry Gross skewers the portly pepperpot; Seattle runners go bananas; Michael Jordan family feud.

Prudish Rudy strikes again
Cops crack down on naked models, giant spiders. And baby makes three: did Woody and Soon-Yi spawn?

Nincompoopery on parade
Charlton Heston and Gov. Ventura need to holster their brains; Elle Macpherson designing intimates for men.

Taco dog goes to court
The famed spokesdog wants more than tortillas.

Love on the grassy knoll?
Lee Harvey Oswald's "girlfriend" checks in.

No sex toys, please; we're British
Rogue dildo brings down Airbus; Republicans enveloped in "Purple Haze"; Leo "shark bait" DiCaprio?

Newspaper editors get stoned on Stone
Actress gives spacey speech; Monica's dad on Linda Tripp and President Clinton.

Here's your award; now shut the hell up
Rudy Giuliani gets Muzzled; Jennifer Lopez's new career; Ripley's longs for Pamela's breasts.

A tell-all from Lee Harvey Oswald's girlfriend?
Plus: Why Gore may flop in Washington; sex assaults up in Boston schools; and more tales from the alternative press.

Oprah in the Oval Office?
Who's the people's choice -- Oprah, Al or Liddy? Get on the Love Jet. Nancy Reagan cracks them up.

Rupert Everett insults the world
The British bad boy knocks Shakespeare and Boy George; John Updike turns feminist with praise for Dorothy Parker and E. Annie Proulx.

Sex and other sorrows
Sex is dull, Conde Nast is cursed and MIT worships the Car Talk couple

The price of fame
How you can ring in the millennium with Andrew Morton, and just watch what Rudy Giuliani does to Michael Moore's little Times Square porn emporium.

Donald "Trump Daddy" and the art of hip-hopping
Lenin's posthumous makeover; Dennis Hopper plays golf; Muhammad Ali's gift to Jesse Ventura. (04/09/99)

Is Al Gore's Web site safe for the kiddies
Al Gore gets wired; divorce gongs for Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman; exclusive photo rights for Posh Spice's wedding.

Kings of the world
"Titanic" James Cameron is no match for Spidey; Dylan and Simon plan rock-of-ages tour; Amazon CEO scores musical coup.

Koch says Giuliani "tries to disembowel people"
Ed Koch calls Rudy "nasty," Di's star dims, Costner flops on the field.

Charity @ the speed of thought
Taking stock of Bill Gates' kindness; running a-fowl with Fabio; Farrakhan Death Watch called off.

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