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Microsoft vs. the feds -- who'll come out on top in this clash of the
titans? Place your bets in Table Talk's Digital
Culture area
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R E C E N T L Y Let's get this straight Silicon Valley's power cults The empire clicks back Upgraded memories Survival of the chicest - - - - - - - - - -
BROWSE THE - - - - - - - - - -
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 rename that software!
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JUDGES' COMMENTS: Some highly publicized programs got your attention, especially Nutscape Navigator and MS Exploder. More surprising was the large number of submissions focused on page-layout programs (Ragemaker, Flamemaker, Quirk) and Web-authoring software (PageFill, Frontcage). Perhaps these are particularly irksome tools? Our one disappointment: No one contributed "Dorm." Salon received about 70 entries from over 50 readers, few of them identical -- most of them spell-checked. Thanks to all who played along. For the most part, we selected those that both used the single-letter switch wisely and made good use of the other 75 words we made available. A clever name alone could not have won. Our winner took his sword right to the heart of modern software, then twisted it for good measure. He didn't just cite the obvious; he started with what we all know (and hate), then exaggerated his way to a logical conclusion. Bravo! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T H E__W I N N E R : Microsoft Exces: This is a program that began life as a spreadsheet, but gradually amalgamated features until, as a 360-gigabyte behemoth, it also contains a word processor, presentation manager, a database, two (incompatible) scripting/macro languages, an operating system, a metropolitan transportation agency (originally developed in
Los Angeles), and an Oktoberfest recipe calculator. Its network
component automatically purchases disk expansions for your system
online to accommodate new features, which are introduced monthly. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - R U N N E R S__U P : Vindows95: The Transylvanian version of Microsoft's operating system. Womb Raider: Determine the sex of your unborn child using the latest in AI software! Based upon the best home-grown methodologies and superstitions, and designed in consultation with hundreds of professional grandmothers, Womb Raider asks the expectant mother a series of questions regarding how she is feeling, which foods she prefers, how she is sleeping, and so on, until it can determine the sex of the baby. No need for messy ultrasound exams! Photoslop: An artist is only as good as his tools, and with Photoslop your complete lack of creative talent is cleverly masked by your
limitless power to enhance, alter or flat-out mutilate any photograph
taken by man. Soon you'll be deep into prized effects like ripple,
shear, blur ... and the ever-popular spin! Art directors will
shudder when you say, "I did my own montage -- in 23 seconds!" Ragemaker: Next April 1, secretly add this plug-in module to your friend's regular page layout application and wait for the delightful howls of anguish as fonts change randomly, words hyphenate in absurd and risqué ways, color separations misalign, and much much more! Lotus Noses: Allows people to design their own noses, either using freehand drawing, or by selecting from one of 500 templates. RAMDoubter: This application will convince you that you have less RAM than the computer salesman told you was installed. Requires at least 32MB RAM. Or more, depending. The Horton Utilities: Helps you hear the Whos. BS Word: A multimedia, client-server, Java-based solution for all your BSing needs. BS Word can increase your word count with a controlled ratio of meaningless buzzwords, incomprehensible technical jargon, vague adjectives, and little white lies. BS Word also includes the patented Stealth mode for when you have to say something but don't have anything to say. Create up to 10,000 words that appear to have context but mean absolutely nothing! Visicalf: The world's leading animal husbandry software! Even if you can't
tell a heifer from a steer, VisiCalf will have your herd thriving in
no time. Use the StudTracker (tm) function to cull the bulls from the
Big Macs. Or, try the new mad-cow feature for those fun "what-if"
scenarios! Bundled with any new Gateway 2000 computer. Microsoft Blight Simulator: Over 1,500 plagues, curses, diseases, misfortunes, peeves, and mayhems to choose from. Boss getting on your nerves? Make his dog incontinent! Girlfriend won't ease up? Give her the yeast infection from hell! Includes realistic digitized moans of agony. Special limited-time bonus: Justice Department add-on CD. SALON | Dec. 22, 1997 Charlie Varon is a humorist and playwright. His works include "Ralph Nader Is Missing" and "Rush Limbaugh in Night School." Jim Rosenau is executive editor at Books That Work, a home and garden software publisher in Palo Alto, Calif. Jim and Charlie are also co-founders of the citizen group Californians for Earthquake Prevention.
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