Alan Jackson: "The Greatest Hits Collection" Music: Sweetly twangy, multiple apostrophe lovin' and fightin' and drinkin' and rememberin'. Jackson's every inch the country Casanova, drawling his romantic declarations gently one minute, whooping it up with a righteous holler the next.
Sample Wisdom: "The bar stool's feelin' higher 'cause I've started sinkin' lower."
Mood: Meet me in the hayloft in half an hour.
Suggested Act: Riding your partner barebacked and rodeo-style.
Smashing Pumpkins: "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" Music: The title correctly suggests this isn't the perkiest double album of the year. Still, it's better than average college mope rock, and how many people smile when they think of their love lives anyway?
Sample Wisdom: "I don't need your love to disconnect."
Mood: Should we have sex tonight, or just get more piercings?
Suggested Act: Too drunk to remember.
Shania Twain: "The Woman in Me" Music: Sassy country and Western vixen offers her take on a variety of relationship configurations. Twain scratches her head over sexual boredom, mourns romantic loss, and defiantly gives her lovers the business in tunes with spunky titles like "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" and "(If You're Not In It for Love) I'm Outta Here!" There's even a pick-up truck reference.
Sample Wisdom: "Just go faster, faster, don't be slow; rev it up, rev it up 'til your engines blow."
Mood: Hog-tied and pussy whipped.
Suggested Act: If the pick-up's rockin', don't bother knockin'.
Hootie and the Blowfish: "Cracked Rear View" Music: The kind that emanates from the lite rock station on your Jeep's stereo. If decaf were a sound, it'd be Hootie and Co. There's nothing wrong with mumbling your way through a song -- there's
a long tradition of it in blues, which is only the sexiest musical form ever invented. Protracted vanilla whining, on the other hand, does precious little to inflame passion for anything beyond the Pottery Barn catalogue.
Sample Wisdom: "So I sat back down, had a beer and felt sorry for myself."
Mood: Oh, baby, when you wear those Dockers and that backwards baseball cap, it's almost enough to make me forget my microbrew.
Suggested Act: Snuggling during "Friends."
Oasis: "(What's the Story) Morning Glory?" Music:Wry British pop full of bouncy harmonies and cry-in-your-lager wordplay, in an aspiring Lennon-McCartney /Elvis Costello mode. Occasionally rises to it. If anyone on the planet is still referring to females as "birds," it's probably Oasis.
Sample Wisdom: "She's got one in the oven, but it's nothing to do with me."
Mood: Smart-alecky.
Suggested Act: More tickling and teasing than actual coming across.
Bush: "Sixteen Stone" Music: Exuberantly angry alternarock, with much growling and gnashing of teeth. Early on, the band sets the tone by complaining "there's no sex in your violence," and later follows up in "Testosterone" by inquiring if I wanna see their pecadillos. Enthusiastic kink is nothing to sneeze at. Someone should introduce them to Alanis Morissette.
Sample Wisdom: "I treated you bad, you bruise my face; couldn't love you more, you've got a beautiful face."
Mood: I hate you. Let's do it.
Suggested Act: Whose turn is it to get tied up and spanked?
Alanis Morissette: "Jagged Little Pill" Music: The kind of pick-at-your-scabs pain you can dance to. Last summer, the Canadian former teeny pop sweetheart and Anthony Kiedis lookalike made a splash when "You Oughta Know" became an instant anthem for every MTV-watching bitter chick who was ever dumped. Warning: paying too much attention to the wildly paradoxical lyrics of "Hand in Pocket" can cause dizziness, disorientation, and an insistent case of "not tonight I've got a headache."
Sample Wisdom: "You took me out to wine me dine me 69 me but didn't hear a damn word I said."
Mood: Fatal Attraction. Morrisette is the singing vagina dentata -- you may get some really great sex or you may get killed.
Suggested Act: Still illegal in many states.
Mariah Carey: "Music Box" Music: Lighter than tofutti lyrics with periodic forays into a vocal stratosphere guaranteed to spook the pets. Carey always manages to sound the way the head cheerleader used to look whenever she'd do the really big split. She's relentlessly chipper throughout -- even when covering that all-time downer power ballad from the '70s, Nilsson's "Without You."
Sample Wisdom: "Going round and round in circles and it's all because of you sweet baby."
Mood: What say I toss the stuffed animals off the bedspread and let you touch me from the waist up?
Suggested Act: Going all the way to second base.
Various: "Waiting to Exhale" Soundtrack Music: Divas like Chaka Khan, Aretha Franklin, and Patti Labelle belt their way through songs with titles like "Why Does it Hurt So Bad," "How Could You Call Her Baby," and "It Hurts Like Hell." Notice a common theme?
Sample Wisdom: "Wasted my years, a fool of a wife, I shoulda left your ass long time ago."
Mood: You're a no-good lying cheating never-thinks-of-my-needs SOB, but dammit, I love you.
Suggested Act: Missionary again and over in a minute, you dog!
